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The problem: My child’s not listening and not doing what I ask.

Connect and teach.

Do:

• Strengthen your connection so your child wants to please you. Establish routines so that tackling some tasks becomes a habit.
• Acknowledge your child’s feelings and clarify your expectations. (It’s OK to have high expectations.)
• As a family, practice expressing differing viewpoints respectfully. This helps your child solve not only this problem but many problems in the future.

Don’t give a keynote speech.

Don’t use so many words: The more words you use, the more likely it is that you will make your child deaf to the point you’re making. When it comes to limit setting, too many words dilute your message.

Try to see things from your child’s point of view

Say:

• “I want you to do the right thing — not just because I asked, but because it will make you feel better about yourself in the long run.”
• “Hey, you don’t want to ________, I get it. But it’s really important that we work together on this.”
• “I know you don’t like this request, but yelling/cursing/slamming the door won’t help. What would help is communicating what you’re feeling in a respectful way that I can understand.”

Don’t resort to threats.

Don’t say: “How dare you disrespect me! I expect you to obey or you’ll be punished!”

Why this approach to a child not listening works

Threats solve small problems in the moment and create bigger ones later. They don’t have the power to teach, but they do have the power to make parents overly punitive (or inconsistent when they don’t follow through). Also, too much control sets up power struggles and increases rebelliousness.

The recipe to empower kids? Empathizing with their feelings + communicating clear expectations. This helps kids make good choices and be more self-disciplined.

Starting from a place of understanding helps lower kids’ defenses so that they can learn. Clearly communicating your expectations helps them understand what behavior is appropriate. Try to ensure that your expectations are reasonable based on your child’s capacity, not just their age.